License to give a License

Recently my wife started taking lessons to drive a four-wheeler from a fairly well known car-driving school. One of the first steps is to get a learners license. Given my current 'respect' for the 'fine people of the RTO (Road Transport Office)', I was curious to see what the learner's test would be. (I obtained my license more than a decade ago, when my temperament was remarkably different and I did not not pay much attention to due process that I worry too much about these days). When she went into the office, there were a lot of touts running around. And there was a test. She had tried to prepare diligently from an outdated sheet of instructions given to her by the driving school (replete with spelling mistakes in signs and all). It was to be administered on a computer. When she reached the terminal, her driving instructor appeared from no-where and selected 'Tamil' as the language to the consternation of my wife, who exclaimed that she cannot read Tamil - "But I can!" was the prompt and composed reply from her instructor, who proceeded to sit at the terminal and take the test. And of course, my wife passed. I also learned later that many applicants who take the test by themselves fail in the test and cannot pass unless they take the help of a tout. This is not unique to Chennai - RTOs are notoriously infamous all over the country. In general a driving license in India does not seem to be a well regulated entry to ensure the safety of the driver and other occupants of the road. It seems to be just a license - a chore. For what?. Maybe be it is a license that qualifies one to pay one less fine when you are caught violating a traffic rule that you have not seen or have not been tested on. One suggestion that my wife posed was this - why have this semblance of a test, when by charging a greater premium, one can be allowed to get a license without even being present at the test. Everyone can earn more, less time wasted, less blog posts complaining about it. Maybe the RTO is trying to be socialistic and make it an equal opportunity exercise for obtaining a license. Maybe they like people to pay them some respect in person so that you can distinguish the touts from the folks at the RTO!!

Non-Newtonian First Law of Traffic Flow

When a stream encounters an obstruction, there is a deviation of the flow path in an observation called streamline separation. Traffic flow can be approximated to this system (with a lot of assumptions) and streamline separation can be illustrated very effectively by some aerial photographs of patterns. The major deviation between physical systems and traffic flow with respect to streamline separation is the following. In physical systems, large objects cannot follow the streamline separation quickly enough and they are subject to inertial impaction on the obstruction. In traffic flow, there is no such restriction. ALL vehicles will move to one side of the road irrespective of size, model, state, capacity, fuel type etc. In fact, the larger vehicles can see the obstruction from far and start the separation early. All the smaller vehicles can travel in the wake of the larger vehicles. Buses try to squeeze into spaces that can transform auto-rickshaws to motorcycles. Too much influence of "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban" (pardon me if the reference is too obscure)on the larger vehicles.

An interesting variation of this streamline separation occurs during the rainy season (especially in Chennai) where there are large pools of water at several locations. In general, two wheelers, cyclists and pedestrians are expected to steer clear of this to prevent wetting their feet or falling into an open manhole or pothole. What about buses/trucks/large cars and four wheelers in general? They also follow the same pattern. I forgot! These vehicles will get their pants and shoes wet! Or maybe the large vehicles don't travel in the pools, so that they will avoid splashing that water on the smaller vehicles and pedestrians. I think that may be the real reason. We are after all a very humane society!!!

Reality Inc.

There is a new movie titled "JAIL" (Or "All You wanted to know about life during incarceration but were afraid to ask or afraid to know"). This is produced by 'Bhandarkar Entertainment' The last sentence is an oxymoron - atleast if the film is directed by a certain Madhur Bhandarkar. His last few films are titled "Fashion", "Traffic Signal", "Corporate", "Page 3", "Chandni Bar". Informative? Yes; Thought-provoking?, May be; Entertaining? - I do not think so. Maybe no one has the guts to tell Mr. Madhur Bhandarkar (winner of national award for best film for two years and considered one of the 'serious' film makers of India) that his films may not be entertaining, so maybe he should not release his films under the banner 'Bhandarkar Entertainment'. I cannot believe I am saying this now. A decade ago, I used to watch the most harrowing films (Indian and International) under the heading of "Required Viewing". Now I cannot stomach many of the movies that aim to be serious - just the way I cannot handle Indian pickles. Even though I still consider myself fairly omnivorous in terms of movie viewing choices, the spectrum has been reduced with the removal of movies from likes of Mr. Madhur Bhandarkar from it. One other filmmaker that I assumed under this category - Anurag Kashyap, was surprisingly very entertaining in terms of style, content and narration after I saw DevD - especially the ending. If you are intrigued about the inner workings of sewage treatment operations in our country, please write to Mr. Madhur Bhandarkar and he will oblige with his next film "Toilet".

Do not drive your car with such a face !

These guys look really pissed off at something! And I could put my face right into the slot in series with these two gentlemen going by my reaction for things around me. I can also think of half a dozen people who would fit into the slot as well. The first one is Sweeney Todd (played by Johnny Depp in "Sweeney Todd")and the second one is old Ludwig van (played by Gary Oldman in "Immortal Beloved") and was sufficiently popularized by Alex in A Clockwork Orange.

Both these characters look like that for different reasons. Both wield a small stick-like instrument, but with different end effects. I am not sure how many people are capable of doing what Ludwig van did, but I certainly can imagine wanting to do what Sweeney Todd did. And was Johnny Depp 'delicious' (sic! - I am almost a pure vegetarian and do not want to elaborate this) in his role as the demonic barber of fleet street? This was one of the most bizzarre movies I have ever seen but it was so 'colorfully executed' - as Tim Burton can be expected to do on film. He gives color its due on film - wherever it comes from. If you have already seen Sweeney Todd, you will understand what I mean when I say that it resonates (well, the song that comes in the pivotal moment of the film) with many of my (and I suspect that of a lot of other people around me) thoughts and desires. I think we all know what will happen at the end if those thoughts are fed and it goes that way - your long face will soon long for a face.

Hey! I don't know why you are looking at me strangely that way. "I wouldn't even hurt a fly !"

God Save Our Tools

I was reviewing the results of a chemical analysis performed in our lab and I find two extraneous peaks corresponding to two chemical compounds - picrococin and curcumin. While these compounds may be of great interest in other parts of the universe, they are not supposed to be in this sample. I wondered why and visited the analytical instrument to investigate. And there I found splashed carelessly on its face in interesting geometrical patterns, the ostensible symbols of piety in our society - haldi (turmeric) and kumkum (vermillion).

Then it struck me - it was that time of the year again. One component of the 9-day celebration of dussehra - an event called 'ayutha pooja' or the 'prayer to or for the tools'. How do we do it? Like any other festival - deck up the main object (diety/person or thing), chant a few hymns and eat sweets. In this case, the objects are the tools we use everyday. Why do we do it? As a society we like to adhere to the great philosophical adage of fatalistically accepting our fate. But we cannot! So naturally the only recourse we have to exercise any influence is prayer. So we pray for their health so that they do not fail on us. May be this is advanced statistical risk analysis/ management with probability modeling. Next time you go to a buy an appliance, do not ask the manufacturer for a safety report, ask them for a prayer report. Surely these cars are self assembled through an 'intelligent' design. May be in our premier technological institutions we should include a chapter in risk analysis that talks about covering your bases with prayer.

Or perhaps we are praying to protect us from the tools. We have already seen in futuristic movies such as "The Terminator" series and "I Robot", what can happen when tools go out of control. At the rate these tools are increasing in their power and our dependence on it, this fear seems justified. We are a very far-sighted society in this respect. We are already setting up a platform to pamper our tools so that they remember the respect we offered and will treat us well, when they become the all-powerful. But then, we are the ones designing and making these tools (as those movies I mentioned testify) and so we are responsible for this mess. So maybe we should pray ourselves to give us good judgement and not make any more tools - one prayer less. In any case, I hope that I do not do any serious research with picrococin or curcumin - I may get results that will rewrite the existing laws of thermodynamics.

No Beads Required !

'Flashing' in public is a rare 'legal' phenomenon in only a very few parts of the world at all times and in Bourbon street, New Orleans (USA) during the period of Mardi Gras. People flock to see it happen from all parts of the world and is considered by many as one of the the most visually pleasing events in their life. Many consider this uncivilized behavior, while others think it as an expression of freedom. In India, flashing is illegal, but a large majority of the population does it. It is annoying, noisome, tiring and can lead to accidents. Accidents???....Tiring? I know what you are thinking. We have that kind too, which occurs here day and night, and leaves an unpleasant olfactory and visual graffitti on the Indian roadside.

But the one I am talking about today is the one caused by 'shameless', prurient and impatient vehicles - Cars, buses, scooters, motorcycles, auto-rickshaws, tankers, planes, ships (well, not the last two) all get into this orgy of flashing, hooting, whistling and what-not on top of this obscene activity. And it is very far from visually pleasing. Infact you may not be able to see anything - beautiful or not. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to flash. So I thought I will set it up:

To flash or not to flash is not a question
doesn't matter if you are or not at a junction
It is not on request or to request
Whatever be the reason, it is something I detest
Sometimes it seems competitive;
Sometimes it seems trite
Sometimes it seems repetitive
and only rarely it seems contrite.
The government says it is illegal
but the cops are unable to blow their bugle
since the one they have to nab
has flashed and taken flight
and the license plate is just too damn bright
so in the land of shortsighted bats
it is best not to drive after the sun has dozed
and even if you must
maybe you should do it with your eyes closed...

Que!!...Qai!!...Enna??

If you have not seen this before, a) you definitely do not live in Chennai b) If you live in Chennai, you perhaps travel in a stainless steel opaque vehicle or helmet c) or you like to believe in the milk of human kindness and that all signs and symbols are for the benefit of humankind.

This is the answer in the form of a question to a question in the form of an open palm or finger or mouth. This symbol usually has a verbal accompaniment and if you are in relatively safe and closed environs of a car, you will usually have the good fortune not to hear it. But the symbol is sufficient. If you do not understand the symbol, then you have been following the written and spoken word for too long. Now without straining your patience any longer I will divulge the interpretation of this symbol - "What". What? "Yes, What!!" as in "oh yeah, did I cut illegally in front of your vehicle, so WHAT?" or as in "Did you just say that my vehicle kissed your vehicle's bottoms? So WHAT?" or as in "Are you saying that I stabbed you?..What"... And if you want to ask again I will show this sign closer to your face and lean forward so that the question will become a mark on your face". So, Why cant one ask this question with a simpler gesture? Why the angle and finger spacing etc. And why not, this is the land of "Rajnikanth" and 'Vijay'...and style is of utmost importance and therefore we have another opportunity to be 'uniquely' arrogant.

OK. So do all the symbols mean the same. I have observed several variations of this. One variable is the angle of the wrist/palm with the forearm. The other is the angle of the fore arm with the hind arm at the elbow. If you have muscles (or even fat in your arms, it will help). I am not entirely sure what the angles mean. I usually do not engage in such Q&A when I am comfortable in my closed windowed, locked door car. I typically run away after the first signs.

Any questions?